"I started quoting myself in 2005, but I don't think I really started saying what I really thought I said until much farther into the future. It's just a progression. A tough one to follow, but just a progression." -- Ogle B Straight
I’M GOING TO lose myself in a minute. I do these things. It’s like working out, but it’s mental and it’s more like taking myself to a cliff and convincing myself to jump. Since it’s metaphorical, I can jump and it will represent something good, but I still don’t want to because it feels like suicide. I guess I always connected with suicide as an idea. It made sense. See I knew that life meant virtually nothing since I was 5 years old, but I loved the experience of people being happy. It was like an event. People being happy with and in front of you, and you being a part of that moment. It’s a hard thing to pull off and a rare one to be witness to, but that’s...worth living for.
Pay attention too. When you see a friend, someone you actually care about, having a great time. Laughing, uncontrollably, or just doing something out of the ordinary. . .
I’m friends with this guy who was once named “The World”. He was named that by some people, but once that was his name and he lived up to it. He made an impression. He was unforgettable.
I started a band with this guy. This was way back when I was starting to try to start to pretend to play music. Well, maybe I could pretend. At least Karsh McCabe and The World thought I knew how to rock some electric guitar. So, they joined a band with me. Neither of them played really before that . But Karsh was a mind melder. What I mean by that is that he could change his mind. . .he would know why he changed it. . .and he would make it matter. You could see him switch. Like at one point he would be all in love with the outdoors, and then the next day he would retreat to a closet . . . for weeks. Come out at night and grab some food, for survival purposes only. Then, hide away. Never coming out. Why? How could he change like that? So fast? And stick to the change?
Me? It’s hard to get myself to change. I think it’s necessary and a lot of times I want to do it, but I don’t. So I think about why I should do it. Then, I don’t do it.
Man, I really don’t even know how I quit smoking. I know I decided on it and I did it. With major, important life things, I go back and forth all the time. I have a corporate job that pays. I’m also good at it. But, I’m trying to change into a musician. . .or . . more or less so. . an artist. I want to live and say, “That’s what . . it’s about.” I want to understand what . . .that . . .means. I think that the corporate job. . . and the corporate life is suffering task. It requires a lot of compromise. But, so does every other option. That’s why I don’t want to crush the corporate existence, and my connection to it. It actually makes so much sense to me to do that. But, in a dramatic sense, I would rather die then live in that for the rest of my actual life. I’d rather try something else and if it kills me. . .then I’ll stick with that.
Why? Just because. That’s the most real reason. Uh, just-fucking-b’cause. Because whatever- -
- I don’t know where I was at in those times. I read the ancient text and it sounds. . .angry. Those time periods were said to have been merry, alive with discovery. I kind of remember it that way. Oh God!
He crunches over.
- Oww. That fuckin’ hurts. I ate this food today. And drank this nasty wine. It was a bargain, but man, I’m really paying for it now.
He grabs a brew. He opens it.
- Does it look like I’m gaining weight? I’m gonna have to start laying off the brews.
He drinks the brew.
He plays a jam.
- “Ouch.” That really hurts. The thought of not drinking brews. They’re so good. They’re refreshing and they can be creative. Or help me be creative. They’re tasty and they give you all kinds of ideas. . .But if you think I’m fat, I will stop drinking ‘em. I will. I’d rather be not-fat then happy.
- - Some other time I’ll get back to the story of The World and Karsh starting a band with me.
Who would I die for?
It’d have to be you
Unless you have a better idea
on what we could do
Personally, I could think of something
that would be better time
Spent cracking some jokes
or bustin’ phat rhymes
I know you’ll be wondering
what I really mean
But it don’t really matter
‘cause I’m not coming clean
I’m just doing my thing
the few ways I know how
Hoping that it’s meaningful
but I can’t really tell
Sometimes you help me out
and make sure I’m okay
Pushing me forward
while I’m finding my way
I couldn’t do it otherwise
I wouldn’t have the guts
But I have ‘em so fuck it
I’ll go find out what’s up
The deal is: You’re crazy
The best it could be
So we hit the ground running
We’ll find what we need
And all the while
We chill and have fun
I’m living each day
Knowin’ that you’re the one